he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
