I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
