Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
As shirtless as possible
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
