Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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