I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
