Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
