Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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