There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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