my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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