i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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