i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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