No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
