I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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