Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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