dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my phone needs a breathalizer
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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