Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
