I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
