Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
