I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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