I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
