I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
