He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
