so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
