Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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