Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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