I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
