I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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