I heard we made out
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
