Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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