sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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