there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
