Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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