New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
