What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
false alarm, still single
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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