I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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