guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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