you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
