Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
