You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
