Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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