Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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