I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
