she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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