The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
