hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
