you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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