I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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