The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
