ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
should my penis look like a turkey
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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