you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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