I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
