I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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